unreasonable fears

I have some unreasonable fears – heights, driving on ice, running out of money during my retirement.

OK – maybe these fears are not entirely unreasonable, since people do fall from heights, driving on ice can lead to accidents, and some people do run out of money during retirement.

But realistically, these fears are not reasonable and should not put a damper on my normal day-to-day life. I don’t know why I’m afraid of heights and there is a weirdness about this particular dread. I’m not afraid to be in tall buildings, but I don’t want to stand by the windows or on the ledges. I don’t mind flying at all. Well, I mind flying, but it’s not about the height. The first time I ventured out onto our balcony, I was like a cartoon character hugging the building and panicky at the idea of standing by the balcony railing. Now, no accelerated heartbeat at all. It’s completely normal. I stand or sit on the balcony several times a day. There was no conscious plan to conquer the unreasonable fear. I just calmed down about it and the balcony does not cause me any terror now. But those wacky sightseeing spots with the glass/plexiglass floors like at the Sears Tower and at the Grand Canyon – I’m never gonna go there. Really, who thinks that’s fun?

I’m very cautious during winter driving, so my fear of driving on ice is puzzling. I’m pretty sure the worst thing that could happen is that I could be in a low-speed accident. My car could be damaged, but I’d probably be OK. As much as possible, I avoid the situation. It’s not often that I absolutely must drive in icy, snowy weather. I can usually postpone any driving errands until the next ice-free day. Commuting to jobs on public transportation takes the workday hassle away.

Financial planning for retirement is just one step saner than gambling. I can use the example of my genetics to see that the women in my family live almost a century. I should plan on retirement funds lasting a long, long time. How can I predict the returns on my investments? There’s a strong (but stupid) urge to put my money under the mattress. And start a big garden.  And move someplace where my money will go farther – like Costa Rica.  But I need my money to continue growing, I’m not a fan of the work required for big gardens and big weeds, and I don’t enjoy a hot climate where I don’t speak the language or understand the currency (at least not currently). I’m healthy now, but what does the future hold? I’m sure my mom did not foresee her very expensive living situation. I hold a faint hope that social service agencies could help me if I got into a financial predicament. I can cheer up because a lot of other folks are in the same boat with me. Surely all our millions of heads can find a solution for our collective financial fears. But meanwhile, I’m saving money as fast as I can.

nothing happened

I’m disappointed. I’m in a slump and I need to pull myself out of it. I’m stuck in the middle of my droopiness because something was supposed to happen yesterday and it didn’t. Nothing happened – not good, not bad.

I need to remind myself – nothing happened. That’s not automatically bad.

this will be painful

Our PC is in trouble. The display is acting in a bizarre fashion. In this case, bizarre means unusable.  There are entire minutes when the display is fine. Then it becomes  unusable – very weird, sideways-slanted display. This is followed by everybody’s nightmare – the black screen of death. I’m frustrated – and nervous.

On the up side – this is our oldest laptop that’s having the display problems.  We have another laptop.Yes I know, kind of excessive. But John and I are frequently using both laptops simultaneously. See, I can trot out a handy rationalization for the two laptops, because it doesn’t feel like conspicuous consumption to me. It feels the same as both of us having our own toothbrushes instead of sharing one toothbrush.

On the down side – we don’t have a server, so all the information that’s on the sick laptop is now a concern. ( But on the up side one more time, we back up our data faithfully. Nothing will be lost when the laptop finally keels over and dies. ) Back to the down side – the ailing laptop is “my” laptop, the one I use all the time, including right now, including all my jobsearch activities. Also, the ailing laptop is the one with the HDMI cable for streaming  Hulu and Netflix to our TV. Also, the resident Tech Support Guy can not solve this display difficulty – it’s unsolvable. Apparently it’s just old age – of the laptop, not of John. It reminds me of the scene in “The Wizard of Oz” – it’s melting, sort of. This has all the ingredients of a big predicament.

This seems like “Too Much” of a dilemma for my usual daily routines to handle. And it feels like we have “Too Little” financial resources to direct toward the situation. Maybe I’m just not thinking clearly about this. If I didn’t have the jobless condition (no paycheck), this would seem quite solvable. Also related to the jobless condition, if I didn’t have the daily jobsearch activities, this would seem like a minor inconvenience. It’s possible that I simply need to change my perspective about this situation. OK, I tried a paradigm shift for 15 seconds and it didn’t work for me. This is going to be a distressing problem, no doubt about it.

Oh I’m so whiny! I understand that  other people have much bigger problems. But this is my biggest, no  – second biggest,  problem right now. So for me, this is annoying and financially painful. It appears menacingly large on the horizon. Someday I’ll look back on this and laugh. This too shall pass. That’s good for me to remember, as a general mantra. I remind myself that the mantra is equally true in good times, as well as in bad times.

Week 1 of My Involuntary Retirement

I’m involuntarily retired. My services are no longer required at my former place of employment. I’m jobless.

It seems that my work-life has changed dramatically. Something new is emerging now.

Here’s how I spent some of my time during the last seven days:

• filed my initial Unemployment Insurance Benefits claim (hereafter referred to as UIB)
• Jobsearch activities: searched 52 websites, applied for 7 jobs, received my first 2 rejections, endured silence about my other 5 job applications
• sold some items on Craigslist
• with the Craigslist proceeds, ordered a kettlebell weight for me and a Kindle for John
• paid our 2010 Federal taxes – there’s something annoying about paying taxes on an income I no longer have in 2011
• watched the Ken Burns series “The Civil War”
• cooked: tried 6 new recipes – happily, 3 of the recipes were GREAT, 2 were repeatable, and only one was a disappointment
• shredded many, many, many old financial papers
• watched “The Dr. Oz Show” on 4 days, but I forgot about it on 1 day
• re-allocated funds in my IRA account, moving money to more conservative investments
• used Freecycle to move 2 boxes of books out of my home
• did a lot of cleaning: I like buying cleaning products and I am very fond of the condition of having a clean home – but I don’t like doing the actual cleaning activities
• revised my daily walks: now I’m walking 1 hour every day
• remembered to laugh out loud at least once every day

I have some ideas already simmering for this coming week.

I’ll watch the new “Upstairs, Downstairs” on PBS tonight.

Of course I’ll file my UIB for the week and search for a job.

I’ll cook 4 new recipes.

I’ll Read “33 Men” by Jonathan Franklin – about the 2010 Chilean mining disaster and rescue.

I’ll keep walking and keep laughing out loud.

I’ll be happy to receive any additional suggestions about my current involuntary retirement activities.